Holy shit. I have 5 days of work left, 13 days until they pack my apartment, and 1 month until I land in Pennsylvania with Sadie. I’m honestly not ready for the goodbyes.. the last year I have made the most incredible memories. It’s been an amazing journey, ups and downs of course but I’d rate my experience a 8.5/10. I have been thinking back on the last year so much. It has been bittersweet… beautiful and painful.
Starting off my move here with a dog park rendezvous, to a toxic situationship, to meeting who I thought was possibly the love of my life, we’ve all read that blog and know how that turned out. I had a few brief romances here and there outside of the broken heart. However, those relationships are the least important part of my Oregon chronicle…. The friendships I have made, are so special and I think a few of them are forever. That is what I don’t want to say goodbye to. I’m not ready. Even though it’s just for now, not forever.
I’ll be honest, I’m tired of hearing people saying they wish they were as brave as me and that they could never do something like this. Yes, you can but it won’t be easy. Hearing I’m strong and courageous, when I’m feeling broken inside is really confusion for my brain to process. Everything we post always seems so amazing, I’ll be real here. It’s hard, it’s lonely, you fail, you cry, it hurts, and every other emotion imaginable. My first few months in Oregon I questioned my entire existence. My dog is literally the only thing that gets me through sometimes. Well most of the time, that and my mom.
For how busy I have been with friends and such lately, I’ve never really felt so alone. I think it’s my way of preparing. Isolating myself and holding all of my thoughts in. You’d think I’d be a professional at goodbyes by now, especially after growing up with a military dad but I still shut down. This is really the only way I get any of my feelings out, how vulnerable I’ve become.
Today, I wanted to embrace the day. Be off my phone and just be alone. I honestly had 3 mental breakdowns. Got rid of half of my clothes, tore my room apart like it was hit by a tornado, painted for a few hours, watched Netflix, went for a few walks, and nothing kept my brain busy for long. Taylor Swift came in clutch with the Speak now Taylors Version bc I really needed the distraction of that. Her albums give me peace.
Anonymous goodbyes to Oregonians who impacted me most:
You, are my soulmate in the form of a friend. I never knew I’d be lucky enough to have someone to ease my mind, open my eyes, make me feel more self worth than I ever have, random day dates bc we love early bedtimes, I don’t know how I’m going to live with out you. I will miss passing your house every time I go somewhere and creeping if you're home. Randomly getting “busted” because you check my location, yet never judged. From crying to you and laughing with you, you have impacted me more than I knew imaginable. Thank you so much, no time will ever be enough. I can’t wait for you to visit!
You are the little sister I wouldn’t have wanted, but thankful I got! From trying to challenge my age by closing down bars to karaoke nights. Thanks for always being the boy in songs.p, letting me live my rockstar dreams. Talking about everything under the sun everyday. Sharing our traumas. Healing together. Crying together. Movie nights. Laundry dates. You are so special. Never forget that. I can’t wait until you come out!
Working with you was a fun adventure, I will always remember the ups and downs of the lab and I will be wishing you and your family the best. We don’t talk much outside of work but you still a homie and I appreciate you.
When I first visited Oregon, you took me to lunch and made me fall in love with it. From sleepovers, drinking nights where you intentionally put me by the hottest guy in the bar, and scary movie marathons, it was so much fun and I am so sorry I’ve been MIA lately. You mean so much to me and I’m so glad to have you in my life.
You are a newer human in my life but the last few weeks have been enjoyable, I have loved getting to know you! Thanks for keeping me young with lingo. Period. You are going to amazing things. Proud of you!
Now this one, you are going to be in PA too for school. So it won’t be the same goodbye but you are so kind smart and beautiful. I love you so much and can’t wait to see what you do, you are too good for this world. Never lose that kindness!
Last and most painful. I wanted to say goodbye in person, never got the chance which is probably for the best. You hurt me deeply but you also opened my eyes to so much and it was the most fun I’ve ever had in my life, romantically. The ups felt almost unreal and so incredible, but the downs were some of the darkest moments of my life. I’ve never let someone in the way I let you. Although everything is over, I want nothing but happiness for you. Thanks for reminding me I am capable of loving. If Taylor Swift can heal, so can I. (If you’re creeping as you do sometimes, I know you’re laughing). Friendship is always a call away.
I guess I thought this would make my heart hurt a little less today, actually I may or may not be crying and holding Sadie right now. I have a tough road ahead but all good things are worth working for and I know this will be a life changing experience just like Oregon was.
Ps: If you don’t feel like any of those goodbyes were for you, I’m sorry. You matter, I just did the closest friends but every person made an impact on my life.
This is only the beginning. Next stop saying goodbye to my WA friends and then flying to PA. Stay tuned. Bye for now!
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