Saying goodbye

Lately I feel like I’ve been going through a lot of goodbyes. In reality, it seems like that’s pretty much what adulthood consists of. I find myself craving consistency and it always feels out of reach. Relationships end. Whether it’s work friendships, personal friendships, romantic relationships, etc.

I’m mourning my previous life. I moved to Oregon to advance my career which has been great, but also extremely lonely. I find myself mourning my old job, hobbies, even something as simple as seeing Mt Rainier on a drive to the grocery store. I’m not really great at handling my emotions, I typically push them off until they go to the back of my head and I find a distraction. I realize now, that it doesn’t make them go away.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about Kansas City. It makes me sad that I never want to visit because I struggle facing people I “left behind” to better myself. It makes me sad thinking about the memories. So maybe I’ve been trying to forget that good memories ever existed there in the first place? I’m not sure. I find myself dwelling more on the loss, grief, and trauma that came with my time there, instead of the good.

I’ve had so much time to work on myself, and it’s mostly been finding a way to be happy alone or exercise/physical health. Which is good, look good feel good or whatever. The thing is though, how body looks, does nothing to help all all the feelings I have on the inside. Luckily, I’m starting therapy and hope to FINALLY face my demons. Sometimes a little heart break or sadness is all it takes to make you face what’s going on.

Just know that no matter how sad, heart broken, or alone you feel there is always someone who cares. This is why I love so deeply and care so much about people. You never know what they are going through, sometimes people just need a simple smile to turn their entire day around. I’m saying this to myself and whoever else cares or needs to hear it but keep trying. You’ll find your purpose, your happiness, your person, or whatever else you are seeking. Also, HIGHLY RECOMMEND getting a dog. Sadie has literally saved my life and got me through my darkest times.

This was a little deeper and more personal than normal. I just have a heavy heart right now, I’m going through a lot and felt like maybe it would impact atleast one person. Just to know it gets better and it’s okay. So here is to therapy, mental health, love, heartbreak, and everything in between.

I'd like to say goodbye to the Jadium who held in her pain, and welcome the Jadium who is ready to face it and move forward. I try to be a better human every day and now I'll feel better on the inside as well. I'm ready to heal and let go of everything else. Finally.