Its unreal how much I have grown & changed this year. Sure, I have had ups and down. Who hasn't though? If you aren't changing you aren't growing. I have honestly started losing touch with a lot of people, not because I stopped caring, just because I feel we don't have anything in common anymore and I want to surround myself with people who want to grow with me. Nothing makes me happier than achieving my goals AND seeing those I love achieve theirs.
Now that I have no obligation to go back to Kansas City, I feel free. Its so crazy that I had so many good memories there but also experience a lot of downs and mental trauma. I shouldn't hold that against the city, but I do. That is something I am working on. I just feel like going back there reminds me of who I used to be and honestly, I didn't really like that person very much. I miss my friends deeply but Id never move back. I feel so accomplished now, like I am exactly where I am suppose to be. I have worked long and hard on myself. Being alone, going through the pain I try to avoid, etc. Now I feel like I am on top of the world.
Lately, I feel like I have done everything in my power to make small changes that make me feel really good. I got a stationary bike for my living room. Some weeks I ride it 6 days, some weeks I ride it 3 but I have it there and love that change. I pierced my nose this year, something that took me SO long to do even though I wanted it. I had this unrealistic beauty standard in my head and felt like if I wasn't plain, simple, and natural then I couldn't be beautiful. I know, all of us grew up in the 90's early 2000's so I'm sure you guys understand what I mean being brainwashed by the media in our era. Here I am now though, I added a blueish-green color to my hair, looking at more tattoos, etc. Its unreal how different I feel. I have never felt more beautiful and so much like myself.
Another change that might be my favorite, I have more empathy. I care deeply, about more than just my own little world. I feel like maybe I was more selfish than I should have been in my twenties. Don't get me wrong, I put myself first because its my life and I've busted my ass for it but I feel like I can converse with people and feel like I care more. Like I take time to understand why someone feels the way they feel instead of brushing it off because it challenges me. I think that is the kind of growth that I hope for everyone.
Today has been a good day, I still struggle with my mental health but I also do not let it control me to the best of my ability. I am working on getting into therapy and adjusting my anxiety/depression meds. I care about my physical health. I also met someone who makes me want to be better and brings out the best in me. I feel like each year, no matter how hard, life has gotten so much better. I always thought people lied about their 30's being better but you couldn't convince me to go back to my 20's. I feel free and alive and most importantly HAPPY.
Thank you to all my KC friends who still love me from the west coast, and to all my amazing humans I’ve met out here in the PNW. This place has my heart forever.
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